stars by hum is the awesomest song ever

yeah it is. and actually there are lots of songs that i would say are the awesomest ever based on when you ask me but stars by hum deserves a mention because it was "buzz clip" about, oh, 12 years ago and it has definitely withstood the test of time. all i have to say is that if you are not a hum fan and you like music will then you have some work to do. if you have listened to a lot of hum and have decided that its not your thing then i dont understand you at all and maybe a discussion would be worthwhile to bridge the gap but i bet neither of us would bother. i have to stop writing these blogs when i'm drunk.

rarely am i ambivalent about life

i just looked at my clock and it said 2:24 am and for some reason that made me really happy and glad to be alive. i've been oscillating back and forth between very happy about living and being here and very depressed and absolutely wanting to write my suicide note and end it. its pretty strange. i'm not really sure what to do about it. these times when i feel quite content make the whole ride worthwhile. these are the times when i want to never sleep again. the other times are when i want to sleep indefinitely. sleep is very closely related to death for me. there is being awake and there is being unconscious. or at least not "of this world". my dream life is very livable compared to what i deal with daily in this regular life. there is no stress there whatsoever. i see people i want to see. and thats pretty much the extent of it. still that doesnt make me want to dream right now. i could stay here are stare at the ceiling for a loooong time and i wouldnt want to be anywhere else right now.

future, now, etc

i noticed this week, because i've had so much schoolwork to do that i actually wasnt looking forward to the weekend at all. i wanted the week to crawl by as slowly as possible because i needed all the time to work and read and make progress on assignments. i remember thinking, at work on thursday morning, that it was friday and then breathing a sigh of relief when i realized it was still thursday. now its the weekend and as usual, the later monday comes around, the better. not that monday is going to come any faster or slower than it always does but that fact never seems to matter when you're looking forward to or dreading some event in the future.

but while i've been busy with school and not wanting the future to arrive too soon, i've been pretty content. its much better than hating your life and wishing that whatever you might be looking forward to in the future (like the end of the term) would just arrive already. not only does waiting for the future make your life miserable but i'm not getting any younger and i feel like i've already wasted a lot of time in life. maybe because i've always been looking forward to the future.