rarely am i ambivalent about life

i just looked at my clock and it said 2:24 am and for some reason that made me really happy and glad to be alive. i've been oscillating back and forth between very happy about living and being here and very depressed and absolutely wanting to write my suicide note and end it. its pretty strange. i'm not really sure what to do about it. these times when i feel quite content make the whole ride worthwhile. these are the times when i want to never sleep again. the other times are when i want to sleep indefinitely. sleep is very closely related to death for me. there is being awake and there is being unconscious. or at least not "of this world". my dream life is very livable compared to what i deal with daily in this regular life. there is no stress there whatsoever. i see people i want to see. and thats pretty much the extent of it. still that doesnt make me want to dream right now. i could stay here are stare at the ceiling for a loooong time and i wouldnt want to be anywhere else right now.